10/5/20

 I'm trying to get in a scripture study habit and also a habit of asking God what I can do for Him each day. Today one of the things I felt like I should do was text Patricia! So I did! And here is what happened: 

Turns out Patri was going through a bit of a rough patch with things and I was able to give her some advice about it all to which she responded with:

"Anna. Freaking heck. I don't know why I don't come to you as much because you always know what to say. That helps me a lot actually. I'm going to have a dance party for a bit and then put my list of things to do back together and be happy again in a few days. I just know it. Seriously, thank you."

I really love Patricia and I'm so glad we're still best friends, even if our lives are very different and we live basically across the country from each other right now. (I mean she is doing pre-med at MIT and I'm doing stats at BYU-Idaho, not to say that one is more accomplished than the other but *coughcough MIT is so impressive and she is so impressive and I'm honestly amazed by her cough* despite the different paths we take we always find a way to be there for each other and I love that. I love that I have this person in my life that has been there since 8th grade and every time we see each other it's so natural and nice and it feels like home. I'm also really glad I could help her out today just by following a prompting from the Lord.

10/4/20

 You're getting a few long posts in a row cause I have a lot I wanna say today. Again, today was General Conference. I had invited Derity and Jerako and David over for the first session. I had been craving biscuits and gravy so I actually went out and got ingredients for it last night. David came over a little early and we made the breakfast for everyone! I definitely made a mistake in calculating how much milk to put in with the Bisquick mix for the biscuits. It said 2/3 cup for each serving and it had 8 servings. I did the math and I was like, "Okay that's 16/3 then so... 8 cups!" I didn't realize until the seventh cup when things got ultra liquidy that it was actually supposed to be 5 and 1/3 cups. Luckily I had a back up Bisquick box and we added more mix in. It was still more like a batter than it usually was but it had gotten fairly firm and so we just kept it that consistency and it actually ended up so good! They still came out really big but they were all airy and fluffy and so so good. The gravy worked out too and it all tasted heavenly. 

The sessions were really good again (obviously) and I feel like a major theme for this whole conference has been preparedness and selflessness. At least that's what I got out of it. So I started trying to think about what I could do in order to be more prepared. I decided that I really wanted to focus on serving others more. I have lots of extra journals so I want to designate one as my prayer journal and in my prayers at the beginning of the day ask the Lord what He needs me to do that day. I want to spend time after pondering and then writing down what I think I can do. At the end of the day I want to come back and make an accounting and continually strive to be better. I feel like I will certainly be a lot more prepared to receive personal revelation.

I've just felt a lot lately like now is the time to really work on myself. Work not only on becoming and being the kind of person I want to marry but also on becoming and being the kind of mother I hope to be. There's this one quote I found online before heading off to college. Things felt rough and my mental health was fragile. But this quote honestly brought me so much strength. It goes like this:

"In the end I am the only one who can give my children a happy mother who loves life." 

The more that I think about it and the more I think about the promptings I've been receiving lately the more I realize that this is kind of my life motto right now. THAT is what I want to do and I am the only one who can do it. Thinking of my future children and the life that I want for them is a big motivator for me.

Some fun things today though: Mira made chicken gnocchi soup for dinner, like the kind they have at Olive Garden, and it was literally the best thing every. What a good food day! Mira also had a ton of extra black construction paper so we spent a good amount of time cutting bats out of it to put up for Halloween decorations. I'll have to take a picture once it's all finished and on the walls and post it here.

(PS everybody else in my family has tested negative for COVID which is good but also not great cause they're still exposed to it and if they'd all just get sick at the same time then they could all be quarantined at the same time and just get the two weeks of quarantine out of the way.)

10/3/20

I woke up this morning to a text from my mom letting me know that she had tested positive for COVID too. Everybody else in the fam went to get tested this morning so hopefully we will know all of their results soon. Good thing from today though:

General Conference!! I watched the first session with Macy, Mira, and Ellen. (Michelle is in Utah for the weekend) Then I went to Derity's family's house in St Anthony and we did lunch and watched the second session. They had these really yummy tomato slice things. I think it was just feta cheese and balsamic vinegar but it was super tasty. Then I went back home and watched the women's session with my roommates. The talk that stood out to me the most today was one from the afternoon session that was all about the "culture of Christ" and in it he quoted David O. McKay.

"The perfection of the family is worth any sacrifice because nothing can compensate for failure in the home."

It just hit home for me so hard. All of this stuff with Vince has been so difficult and choosing to break up with him was the absolute hardest decision I've ever had to make. I really did feel like I was sacrificing something by following the spirit in breaking up with him. I can't remember if I've talked about already on here but the biggest reason I knew I couldn't marry him anymore was because everything in our future that we disagreed on were things that would have the biggest impact on our future family. It had never hit me so hard before that in choosing a spouse I am also choosing a parent for my children and that's my responsibility. They can't speak for themselves right now so it's all on me and I have to follow the spirit on this one. Hearing that just made me feel like the Lord was speaking right to me and telling me that as difficult as it's been (on me but even more so on Vince) it was something that was worth it. That honestly helped me so much.

Tender mercy of today: Right after the women's session ended I got a FaceTime call from Mary. Just out of the blue. It honestly just MADE my whole day. We talked for a little while and she said that she just had missed me and felt like we hadn't talked as just us and not the group for a hot minute. Honestly the past few days God has really been showing me that He has my back. Or maybe I've just gotten better at recognizing it.  

10/2/20

 So. Today I was supposed to drive down to Utah to spend conference weekend with my family and I was actually so excited. I miss talking to my Mom and I miss Dad's lame jokes and all my siblings. I've honestly felt a little bit lonely lately. While I do have fantastic roommates (which does help a lot and I am so thankful for them) I feel like everybody that I'm super close to is far away. Em and my family are in Utah. Derity is in Idaho Falls and is spending a lot of time with Jerako (which like, they're dating so of course they are and he makes her really happy so I'm glad she has him) and I also haven't seen David like at all this week and it just kind of sucks. Okay WOW I got off topic. What the point of this paragraph is supposed to be is that I did not end up going to Utah. Turns out Alicia tested positive for COVID-19. Which is honestly a little scary but I think that everyone in our family should be okay. I'm not afraid anyone is going to die but there is always that lingering fear because everybody always thinks it won't happen to them until it does. Good news is that I ended up having a lot more free time today.

I actually did get to see Derity today and we went out shopping because I convinced her she should get a menstrual cup. There was only like one option for a menstrual cup at Walmart and it was more expensive than the online ones plus it wasn't one that had a pull tab. We decided she might as well just order the pull tab one. We did find soft soft sweatpants though and we got those and then went out to Pizza Pie Cafe for dinner. Way earlier this year, during Winter semester, I had really wanted to go but then our roommates who we were going out to eat with were like, "No that won't work let's go to this place which should be cheaper instead!" It was pretty much the same price though and I ordered very little food because it was actually pretty pricey for something that was supposed to be fast-casual and I got like two overpriced chicken tenders that were itty bitty. I was so salty about that for forever. And then like the next week everything started shutting down and we couldn't even go any more. So I finally finally got to go today after months of craving it.

9/30/20

I went to donate plasma for the first time today and oh boy was it an experience. The good news is that I got a free shirt out of it! The bad news is that the only reason I got the free shirt is because my body freaked out and decided it needed to vomit and some of it got on my shirt so that was super gross. 

There was a cute guy working there though so that was also a bonus. Except for when I threw up on myself and he witnessed the aftermath.

The true bonus though is that after the whole ordeal I decided that I deserved Taco Bell so I went and got some and it was delicious. 

9/27/20

 Today I got set apart for my new calling as an indexing specialist in the ward. Since Elders Quorum is now over family history and temple work I got set apart by Kyon, who was in charge of the FHE group with me last semester. Yesterday was obviously a really stressful day and I was still having a rough time and in my setting apart I know Kyon was directed by the spirit to say things that would help me. I was told that if I could take this calling seriously I would be blessed not only with spiritual growth but in my relationships and in my school work. I kind of felt like God was reassuring me that he would take care of Vince and I can focus on taking care of myself. I just felt incredible peace wash over me and I'm honestly really grateful. I really needed that. I know that God is looking out for me too and it always aware of where I'm at and today was just another little reminder of that. 

9/26/20

 Today was easily one of the more difficult days I've had to experience. Vince texted me this morning with some seriously concerning stuff and it stressed me out of my mind all day. I know he didn't mean to stress me out or make me feel like what he was going through was my fault but he did. I'm still glad he contacted me and told me what was going on though. I wish so desperately that I could actually be there for him but I honestly don't think that would be very healthy for either of us. I had to keep reminding myself that him not doing well is not my fault. Our break up may have played a role in him experiencing this right now but ultimately even if I stayed with him he would still be struggling with this. It's something that requires legitimate professional help and no matter what I could do to help, I can't do that. 

I had my first calculus exam due today as well and I was so worried about it. I ended up asking my professor if I could get an extension on the deadline and he pushed it back to be due on Monday just before midnight so I have some more time now which is good. That on top of everything with Vince was really making me spiral. I was able to take a nap after lots and lots of crying. I woke up dehydrated and starving and with a killer headache. I grabbed some Taco Time, popped a pain reliever, and then spent the rest of the day with David watching the NBA Western Finals and then some Blindspot and just hanging out. The break was most definitely needed and I'm grateful he's nearby. Especially with Derity living in IF now. It was a rough day and I'm grateful it's over. I talked with Vince's Bishop about looking out for him and I feel better about the whole situation even though I know that I can't do much. There's somebody there who can and that's comforting.