9/30/20

I went to donate plasma for the first time today and oh boy was it an experience. The good news is that I got a free shirt out of it! The bad news is that the only reason I got the free shirt is because my body freaked out and decided it needed to vomit and some of it got on my shirt so that was super gross. 

There was a cute guy working there though so that was also a bonus. Except for when I threw up on myself and he witnessed the aftermath.

The true bonus though is that after the whole ordeal I decided that I deserved Taco Bell so I went and got some and it was delicious. 

9/27/20

 Today I got set apart for my new calling as an indexing specialist in the ward. Since Elders Quorum is now over family history and temple work I got set apart by Kyon, who was in charge of the FHE group with me last semester. Yesterday was obviously a really stressful day and I was still having a rough time and in my setting apart I know Kyon was directed by the spirit to say things that would help me. I was told that if I could take this calling seriously I would be blessed not only with spiritual growth but in my relationships and in my school work. I kind of felt like God was reassuring me that he would take care of Vince and I can focus on taking care of myself. I just felt incredible peace wash over me and I'm honestly really grateful. I really needed that. I know that God is looking out for me too and it always aware of where I'm at and today was just another little reminder of that. 

9/26/20

 Today was easily one of the more difficult days I've had to experience. Vince texted me this morning with some seriously concerning stuff and it stressed me out of my mind all day. I know he didn't mean to stress me out or make me feel like what he was going through was my fault but he did. I'm still glad he contacted me and told me what was going on though. I wish so desperately that I could actually be there for him but I honestly don't think that would be very healthy for either of us. I had to keep reminding myself that him not doing well is not my fault. Our break up may have played a role in him experiencing this right now but ultimately even if I stayed with him he would still be struggling with this. It's something that requires legitimate professional help and no matter what I could do to help, I can't do that. 

I had my first calculus exam due today as well and I was so worried about it. I ended up asking my professor if I could get an extension on the deadline and he pushed it back to be due on Monday just before midnight so I have some more time now which is good. That on top of everything with Vince was really making me spiral. I was able to take a nap after lots and lots of crying. I woke up dehydrated and starving and with a killer headache. I grabbed some Taco Time, popped a pain reliever, and then spent the rest of the day with David watching the NBA Western Finals and then some Blindspot and just hanging out. The break was most definitely needed and I'm grateful he's nearby. Especially with Derity living in IF now. It was a rough day and I'm grateful it's over. I talked with Vince's Bishop about looking out for him and I feel better about the whole situation even though I know that I can't do much. There's somebody there who can and that's comforting. 

9/25/20

 I was technically supposed to have another Mutual date tonight with some other guy but he had to cancel cause he had a sinus infection. So now all my roommates and I call him 'sinus infection guy' which I'm sure is not a nickname he would have chosen for himself haha! I ended up hanging out with David tonight instead which honestly I was grateful for because another Mutual date sounded exhausting. 

9/24/20

 I had my first date from the Mutual app and it was... awkward. I don't know what I was expecting. It wasn't bad per se. I just wasn't really feeling it and he was a bit of an awkward dude. I tried to make a joke about my job as a TA: "Things are really slow at the beginning of the semester but then all the sudden in the middle of the semester everybody wants to be your friend!" He got real serious all the sudden as was like, "Those people don't actually want to be your friends you know. They're just using you." And I didn't really know how to respond so I was just like, "Haha yeah I guess you're right!" I feel like that interaction pretty much sums up the feel of the whole night. 

9/23/20

 I'm starting to feel more confident with calculus now. We are doing all this derivative stuff now and it's actually making some sense!

What's not making a ton of sense: this whole thing with David where we talked about being more than friends and decided to just be friends for now. Like holy cow. I am getting so many mixed signals so that's great.But also I'm okay with just being friends. It feels like a weird in between now but I'd rather have that than nothing at all.

9/22/20

 So. Boys are confusing. Also figuring out how to get over a break up or even if I'm over breaking up with Vince in the first place is difficult. I've never been through any of this before and I don't know how long it takes. Some days are good and other days are difficult and I'm still hurting. I still have his sweatshirt. And it still smells like him. And I still bury my face in it and breathe the scent of him in sometimes. I hate how much I hurt him, it's killing me. But I just keep remembering that God cares about him even more than I do and that God is watching out for him right now. I know in the end it'll all be okay, I just hope that he can see that too with everything that he's going through right now. 

My mom gave me some good advice on moving on though. If it comes naturally and you don't feel like you're forcing it in regards to flirting with someone else and whatnot, then you're good. Just let what happens happen. So I'm trying to do that. 

9/21/20

 I feel as if I may finally be starting to get in a good groove. My roommates and I will all share the living room to do homework during the day and I love that. I've switched my scripture studies to be first thing when I wake up and it has helped me get SO much more out of them. It's also helped me to do better with my morning prayers. Really I'm just trying to focus on being the best version of myself possible and to enjoy as many moments as I can. I am working to become someone who can easily say that they love life.

9/19/20

Finished week one of school. It was overwhelming to review everything I needed to for calculus and there were more times than I'd like to admit that I was on the verge of tears and thinking that maybe I couldn't actually do this. But I did it and it all worked out!

It's only been one week but I already feel such a good bond with my new roommates and I am so grateful that I switched apartments. Yesterday they invited me out to play ultimate frisbee with them and I went and had fun and tonight we all watched a rom-com together. I think a lesson that I've definitely learned is that it's not worth it to be tolerant of having people in your life that don't make you feel loved and confident.

I realized that even though I've felt a little in over my head this week, I am incredibly happy and content because I have great people and great friendships in my life.  

9/7/20

 Labor Day! We drove up to Logan and spent today with James and Brittany's family. We ended up at Old Navy because Lucy had this really cute romper on and they said they got it there on sale so we all went and Abbey, Rachel, Alicia, and I all got rompers and I'm not gonna lie, I look and feel so cute in them haha!

9/6/20

 We visited the Saratoga Springs temple construction site as a family for church today and it's insane how quickly it's popping up. I'm so excited to be able to see the finished product and one day be able to go inside as well! They've got this long stretch kind of like a driveway leading up to it and it's going to be so so beautiful once it's all done. 

I was also thinking today about why losing Vince has been so extremely difficult. I've had people leave my life before but it has never been so painful as this break up has been. One reason is because I think it was so abrupt but I also realized that when we broke up I didn't just lose him. We had such a solidified plan for our future together, complete with dates and locations. There's a greater feeling of loss because I lost all of those things too. All these plans that were what dictated my life for months are no longer actually what my future will look like and that's been difficult to accept. I'm getting there though, slowly but surely.

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9/5/20

 

Megan decided that today was "Sisters Fun Day" so we all (Alicia excluded because she didn't want to participate) picked something that we wanted to do and went out and did it! Abbey wanted to go ice skating so we all went to Peaks Ice Arena and skated. Then Rachel wanted to walk around downtown Provo and take pictures so we did that. We headed home to watch Coco, per Megan's request, and finally we did a little bit of karaoke for my fun thing. I just love them so much and I'm really grateful for the memories we got to make today and the relationship we all have together. 

9/2/20

 The break up is still hard. I figure it's something to document since it's my first breakup and honestly I'm utterly heartbroken by it all. It is easily the most difficult decision I've ever had to make and while I still feel confident it was the right one, that doesn't take the pain away. The only thing holding me together through this is faith that I'm following God and faith that He is watching over Vince right now because I can't. Gosh. I really really hope that Vince is okay. 

I started thinking about it all too much again today and started to cry as I was driving. If it's hurting me this much I can only imagine how much it's hurting him and I'm finding it difficult to forgive myself for causing him that much pain. I do feel however that I'll be able to forgive myself of this eventually because it will end up far better for the both of us. And I couldn't forgive myself for robbing both of us of that future I'm placing my faith in.