10/26/20

I think the guy who pulled out my IV at the plasma center today did something wrong cause there was more blood on the gauze then there should have been and the needle scratched me a little and I was way more exhausted than usual for the rest of the day. I binge watched the show "Marvel's Runaways" on Hulu and neglected my calculus duties and made some all around bad decisions. 

For FHE we went out as an apartment again and picked up dinner at the Panda Express drive through and the drive through chick was SO angry. I would try to order something and I'd start by saying the entree and in an incredibly annoyed voice she would say, "Rice or noodles first." But I kept forgetting and she would get more and more irritated and literally if she waited two seconds I would have told her rice or noodles but she would always interrupt me before I could get to it. Like it shouldn't matter should it? "Orange chicken with rice." is just as each to remember as "Rice with orange chicken." is it not?

Also Macy and I played "Among Us" and there was this other player named "Pattinson" so as a joke I was like, "Robert? Is that you??" And they were like, "Oh my gosh I LOVE HIM!" And basically Macy and I ended up bonding with Pattinson and also another player named Mum (who at one point was the imposter and then ended up just telling us because they felt so bad about killing us haha) and it was great.

10/25/20

 I got to do a phone call with Patri today and it was great and exactly what I needed honestly. We talked about anything and everything and all the in betweens. She told me about Theo and how they started talking and what they talk about and how she likes that they were platonic friends first and then they started liking each other. (It's better than way because you know you get along well with them and it's not just the butterflies of possible romance making you think you like them.)

She also gave me some great life advice. She said, "Anna you deserve someone who would be beyond ecstatic to get half birthday froyo with you." And I kind of love that. 

10/23/20

 Good thing: I got half birthday froyo and drove myself and my froyo to the temple and ate it and read scriptures and thought about things because today has been a rough day. Heck it's been a rough week if I'm being honest. Bad thing: Missing Vince has hit me really really hard tonight. Sometimes I really don't understand why things went the way they did and I still wish that things hadn't ended at all and we were still together. It's pointless to wonder about 'what if's' because they aren't realities but I keep thinking of how things were going to be when everything was going according to plan. If everything had worked out and things hadn't gotten so messed up then Vince would be here with me right now. There's a good chance we'd be engaged and if we weren't yet we would be soon. We'd be looking at apartments to live in and I'd be thinking about wedding colors and wedding dresses and I'd be really really happy. But instead I'm just sad and I'm crying in my room typing this out and relentlessly wishing for something that doesn't exist. Everything hurts all over again and I wish it didn't and I'm tired of hurting but then I think about how much he must be hurting and it makes me cry even harder. I loved him- I still do. And I hurt him so much and I want to take it back but I know I can't. I want to text him and tell him that I'm so sorry and that I miss him and that I love him and that I just want him back. I just want to feel his arms around me again and hear him laugh and I want to kiss his forehead and I want to hear him tell me that he loves me. But instead I'm trying to choke back sobs so that my roommates don't hear me cry and I still have so much calculus homework and I don't know what I'm doing and I just want to not be so sad. 

10/22/20

 Drove Ellen back from work. Also got mozzarella sticks. Ended up not getting half birthday froyo so that will have to be postponed to tomorrow.  I had a zoom call with Spence today and it was actually way way nice.

We ended up talking for a couple of hours and I really think we both needed it. We figured out that he had broken up with his girlfriend literally three days after I officially broke things off with Vince. Isn't that wild? And it took us like a friggin month to figure it out. Our relationship experiences were pretty similar and both of them were relationships that ended over gospel things. We were honestly able to relate to each other in a lot of areas and as much as the break ups have both seriously sucked it's nice to have somebody to talk to about it who understands. We talked about other things too. Like Brevin getting married and how difficult the whole "dating game" is and also how Mutual is dumb and stressful and how Nate McHenry and his fiancée seriously look like siblings and we reminisced on all the temple trips we would take and the giant order of chicken nuggets we would get after.  When I think about it I'm actually really lucky to have the friends that I have. Seriously. Spence and I have been friends since about ninth grade. I've been friends with Matt and Em and Mary and Rachael and Kennadee and Megan for about that long too. How did I get so lucky to find so many great people in those formative years who are still people I consider good friends to this day? Plus Patricia in Provo! And all my other Provo friends that I don't talk to as much but still am able to slip right back into being good friends with when we do talk /get together. The more I look back on my life the more I see how many people God blessed me with and I'm so so grateful for each one of them.

10/21/20

 David texted and asked if he could come over to do homework. I think it went okay. I think I've discovered that we are both naturally flirty people so that's gonna just kind of be our friendship but I can honestly say that now I won't be reading into any of it and I know we're just friends and that's actually pretty nice. He did have me give him a back massage though cause his back was hurting and turns out I suck at giving massages haha. He poked fun at my taste in literature (sci-fi is my favorite and I just checked out the Illuminae Files from the library and was super excited to tell him about it because I think they're just SO COOL but he was not interested in the slightest which did sting a little but I know he didn't mean for his disinterest to be hurtful. But then he has the audacity to tell me that biographies are better than sci-fi?? Excuse me?!? I don't think so. 

Get this though: He goes on to tell me that his favorite book actually isn't a biography. It's a Romeo and Juliet type love story about people in gangs. And I swear I wasn't gonna make fun of him (actually I'd be down to read it) but then he decided not to tell me the title or author so that I wouldn't have any ammo to hang over his head until the day we die which is totally not fair and it is my new life mission to learn what book it is exactly.

10/20/20

My day today was just absolutely packed with back to back things. I woke up and had work and then got ready for the day and then had my calculus group quiz and then more work and then I drove to Maggie's place where I worked from like 2:00-7:00 (I ended up taking on an extra student because the other tutor's car broke down and she couldn't make it in.) I finally got home at like 7:45 and I was starving and still had four calculus assignments that were due and it was all just very overwhelming. 

I need to scream into a pillow. 

10/18/20

Update on the whole David thing: there officially isn't a David thing anymore haha. Last night he sent me a snap and asked if I'd be able to house a 'friend' from Utah if she came up to visit him this next week. I told him I would have to check with my housing coordinator (cause COVID and whatnot) and I was just getting so many freaking mixed signals so I decided I was gonna talk to him about it tonight after we did our Sunday dinner. He ended up having plans right after so my whole idea of maybe taking a drive and talking about it wasn't gonna happen and I was trying to find a good time to bring it up or segue into it the whole evening but Michelle and Ellen were walking in and out and it just wasn't happening so when it came time for him to leave I walked him to his car and literally at the last second I was like, "Hey so just a quick question, quick discussion, um remember a little bit ago when we decided to be just friends? Where are we at on that because I'm honestly super confused." He was like, "Me too. I think what we decided last time was best though."(More than this was said but essentially that's the gist of it and the conclusion.)

It was abrupt and definitely a short conversation. He texted me a couple hours later to confirm that we were good and I was just like the most up front I've ever been in my entire life and told him where I was at and he pretty much was like, "I just don't have any of the same friends right now as I did this time last year and I don't want that to happen again and things just seem to not work out with girls and I wouldn't want that to happen with you." Which I get, whether that's straight up what it is or whether he was trying to let me down easy and not just upfront tell me that he wasn't interested in me like that. So that's what's happening now. We are friends. 100% platonic. And I'm gonna convince myself to be okay with that.