9/22/20

 So. Boys are confusing. Also figuring out how to get over a break up or even if I'm over breaking up with Vince in the first place is difficult. I've never been through any of this before and I don't know how long it takes. Some days are good and other days are difficult and I'm still hurting. I still have his sweatshirt. And it still smells like him. And I still bury my face in it and breathe the scent of him in sometimes. I hate how much I hurt him, it's killing me. But I just keep remembering that God cares about him even more than I do and that God is watching out for him right now. I know in the end it'll all be okay, I just hope that he can see that too with everything that he's going through right now. 

My mom gave me some good advice on moving on though. If it comes naturally and you don't feel like you're forcing it in regards to flirting with someone else and whatnot, then you're good. Just let what happens happen. So I'm trying to do that. 

9/21/20

 I feel as if I may finally be starting to get in a good groove. My roommates and I will all share the living room to do homework during the day and I love that. I've switched my scripture studies to be first thing when I wake up and it has helped me get SO much more out of them. It's also helped me to do better with my morning prayers. Really I'm just trying to focus on being the best version of myself possible and to enjoy as many moments as I can. I am working to become someone who can easily say that they love life.

9/19/20

Finished week one of school. It was overwhelming to review everything I needed to for calculus and there were more times than I'd like to admit that I was on the verge of tears and thinking that maybe I couldn't actually do this. But I did it and it all worked out!

It's only been one week but I already feel such a good bond with my new roommates and I am so grateful that I switched apartments. Yesterday they invited me out to play ultimate frisbee with them and I went and had fun and tonight we all watched a rom-com together. I think a lesson that I've definitely learned is that it's not worth it to be tolerant of having people in your life that don't make you feel loved and confident.

I realized that even though I've felt a little in over my head this week, I am incredibly happy and content because I have great people and great friendships in my life.  

9/7/20

 Labor Day! We drove up to Logan and spent today with James and Brittany's family. We ended up at Old Navy because Lucy had this really cute romper on and they said they got it there on sale so we all went and Abbey, Rachel, Alicia, and I all got rompers and I'm not gonna lie, I look and feel so cute in them haha!

9/6/20

 We visited the Saratoga Springs temple construction site as a family for church today and it's insane how quickly it's popping up. I'm so excited to be able to see the finished product and one day be able to go inside as well! They've got this long stretch kind of like a driveway leading up to it and it's going to be so so beautiful once it's all done. 

I was also thinking today about why losing Vince has been so extremely difficult. I've had people leave my life before but it has never been so painful as this break up has been. One reason is because I think it was so abrupt but I also realized that when we broke up I didn't just lose him. We had such a solidified plan for our future together, complete with dates and locations. There's a greater feeling of loss because I lost all of those things too. All these plans that were what dictated my life for months are no longer actually what my future will look like and that's been difficult to accept. I'm getting there though, slowly but surely.

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9/5/20

 

Megan decided that today was "Sisters Fun Day" so we all (Alicia excluded because she didn't want to participate) picked something that we wanted to do and went out and did it! Abbey wanted to go ice skating so we all went to Peaks Ice Arena and skated. Then Rachel wanted to walk around downtown Provo and take pictures so we did that. We headed home to watch Coco, per Megan's request, and finally we did a little bit of karaoke for my fun thing. I just love them so much and I'm really grateful for the memories we got to make today and the relationship we all have together. 

9/2/20

 The break up is still hard. I figure it's something to document since it's my first breakup and honestly I'm utterly heartbroken by it all. It is easily the most difficult decision I've ever had to make and while I still feel confident it was the right one, that doesn't take the pain away. The only thing holding me together through this is faith that I'm following God and faith that He is watching over Vince right now because I can't. Gosh. I really really hope that Vince is okay. 

I started thinking about it all too much again today and started to cry as I was driving. If it's hurting me this much I can only imagine how much it's hurting him and I'm finding it difficult to forgive myself for causing him that much pain. I do feel however that I'll be able to forgive myself of this eventually because it will end up far better for the both of us. And I couldn't forgive myself for robbing both of us of that future I'm placing my faith in.