I got home from work today and for some reason decided to check my Facebook. (Which I hardly ever do.) I noticed I had some friend requests so I thought I would clear them out (I get so many requests from total strangers that live in like India or other places like that.) I notice that somebody named Sue Boston has requested to follow me. My heart starts racing because Boston is the last name of my biological father. I immediately call my mom and ask her what my biological grandmothers first name is and she tells me it’s Susan, but she goes by Sue.
Mind you, I (and my mother) have had zero contact since the day I was adopted and Todd signed over his parental rights. Technically he and his family too I guess, are still allowed to contact me. They could have at any time. They didn’t even have to wait until I was eighteen. But now I’m nearly nineteen and (hopefully) about to leave on a mission and this is one of those decisions that changes everything.
I haven’t done anything yet. I think I’m still sort of reeling from the fact that it’s something that’s actually happening. I always thought that if I ever got in contact with them, it would be on my time. I really want to meet her though. The problem is, I know that I am not ready to meet Todd. I’m beyond torn. I talked to my mom and she said that it’s obviously up to me, but I have to be completely selfish in whatever decision I make because this is not about them, this is about me. I know that I can set my own terms though. I can say that right now I’m only okay with meeting her and I’m hoping she can respect that.
I obviously cyberstalked her, because what else are you supposed to do when a grandmother you’ve never really met requests to be your Facebook friend? She has a few group pictures of all her other grandkids. Up until today I didn’t even think about having cousins that I’ve never met. Apparently one of them is about my age. For the first time I got to see what my aunts and uncles really look like. Todd kept pretty much everything from my first about six months of life. So I’ve never known what anybody looks like. I barely even knew what he looked like. All I have is a few videos from a Christmas and when we moved to Spokane, Washington. Those and a picture of him, my mom, and me from the day I was born. (My face is scrunched up and bright red. Not the best baby picture to have as pretty much your only baby picture. But I still keep it in my jewelry box because it’s all I really have.)
Todd doesn’t have a Facebook. I cross checked her friend list. Plus I’ve searched him up before and come up with nothing. I even had my dad (the Randy one who adopted me when I was five) help because he’s good with computers and finding things on the internet. (The conversation previous to said helping was a little weird, but I appreciate him understanding that it was important to me.)
This whole situation (the Facebook thing and the divorce thing all those years back) is actually just super hard. Alicia is the only other person who could relate to what’s happening, but she has autism and can’t fully understand or comprehend. I feel trapped a little, like there’s nobody to talk to that can actually give me advice based on their own experiences. Not even my mom. She was on the other side of it. She had to deal with all the abuse and come to the conclusion that if she wanted her girls to live their best possible lives she would have to file for divorce and get full custody. She even missed her sisters wedding because she had to stay in state while the custody battle was going on.
But the perspective of being that child is so different. There’s nothing tangible for me. I don’t even have any memories. And as much a I love my dad who raised me and sings songs at the piano with me and teases me relentlessly about my perfectionism, there’s always a part of me that wants to know more about my biological family. Not knowing anything makes me feel like something is missing. I haven’t met anybody else who has never met one or both of their bio parents, but I’m assuming it’s a common thing. I think it’s human nature to want to know where you came from.
As you can tell from this incredibly long entry, it’s been quite a day. But Rachael and Mary and I had a movie night and watched Newsies and sang along to the songs. I dozed off a few times because my sleeping patterns are still trying to readjust to waking up at 5:30-6:00 every morning. It ended at 11:30 ish and I drove Rachael home and we stayed parked in her driveway for nearly an hour. And she let me just talk and talk. I didn’t even talk to her about this whole situation because it’s so deep and I didn’t want to cry. I worry that it makes people uncomfortable because they don’t know what to say back, you know? I’m sure Rach would have been good with it though, she’s soft and thoughtful that way. You can see how deep she cares about things. I swear she barely got two words in. I told her all my frustrations with my mission call and having to wipe down lunch tables for work. We talked about our younger selves and how much we’ve changed and how we didn’t even know way back when I first moved in that we would all turn out to be best friends. It helped me so much, to just get everything else out. She nods and laughs and smiles with bright eyes and she didn’t even seem a bit upset that I was doing most of the talking or stumbling over a lot of my words because I was so sleep deprived. I’m still anxious as all get out trying to figure out how to deal with all this. But I’m feeling a lot better about things in general thanks to Rach. I really appreciate her and late night car talks.
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