5/14/18

Started my packing tonight. Stuff’s gettin’ real.

I listened to a lot of T-Swizz today in prep for my next eighteen months being Taylor Swift deprived.

5/12/18

The amount of exhaustion I currently feel is inhumane.

5/11/18

I’m having a “sleepover” with Megan meaning that we watched a movie together and now she’s asleep on a futon on my bedroom floor.

I made cookies! :)

5/10/18

Good news: I only stayed up until 11:30 reading, which is significantly better than the previous 3:00 am ish.

Today I was getting a few things from Walmart and ran into Kassidy who is going to my same mission but Spanish speaking and will be there only two months after me!

I watched Abbey’s full run through dress rehearsal of her play because I won’t be able to watch their opening night due to the fact that it’s the day after I enter the MTC. She’s just so gorgeous and talented and is so at peace on a stage. I love her lots.

5/9/18

By now we should all know that I’m a sucker for a good book right? So I stayed up until now to finish one. But the author decided to be a total jerk and kill off my favorite character and I actually cried a little and then the next chapter was like “Just kidding! He’s actually alive because he was saved in some complicated way. Sorry not sorry that you just cried your guts out.” I’m still a little shaken up if we’re gonna be honest.

5/8/18

Today Rachael briefly thought that Peru was located in Mexico. Also we got to ride around in the back of a truck at 9:30ish at night. I felt like a cool kid in a movie. (Rachael tried to jump off from the wheel and ended up falling onto the road which was super funny.)

5/7/18

I know I just talked about naps but I honestly want to take them more and more with every day.

5/6/18

If I had to pick a super power that doesn’t affect anyone else in any way, I would choose to be able to freeze time. However the only thing I can do when time is frozen is take a nap.

5/5/18

I had crepes for breakfast and soup for dinner and I got to hold puppies in between. So an overall good day.

5/4/18

Liz and I got through baptism at the temple in like forty minutes today and it was awesome.

Rachel, Mary, Meg, and I watched Penelope at Mary's house tonight because I leave so soon and it will be quite a while before we can all hang out again.

5/2/18

I have a serious addiction to books. If I get roped into one I will stay up till dawn to finish it. I make it worse for myself though by checking out Series. So the first book ends in a cliffhanger and I can’t help but start the next book that’s right there on the edge of my bed waiting for me to read it. My mother would be so disappointed if she knew I stayed up until 3:00 to finish the first book and then get over a hundred pages through the second book. Hopefully she never reads this and thus will never know.

5/1/18

Today I spent pretty much all day with my mom. We went shopping all over Provo to try and find outfits for everyone for family photos and I may be bias, but our color scheme is awesome and we are all gonna look great. My dresses for my mission were finally finished today so we got to pick those up.

We ate dinner at this place called Tsunami and we just bought edamame, gyoza, and rice because we were both feeling gyoza but neither of us were feeling sushi. (Just so you know, the gyoza tastes better at Nori.) Then we saw The Labyrinth in theatres because it’s came back for three nights only and it’s my favorite movie of all time so OBVIOUSLY I bought tickets as soon as I heard about it. (We actually ended up sitting two seats down from the seats I’d bought specifically because they were smack dab in the middle. Some other people sat in our seats and my mom decided to let them stay there so by the time I’d walked in it was already decided.) I’m still just really happy though.

They had this story clip at the beginning (sorta like a pixar short but longer.) It was about this guy who owned a glass that, when he held it up to a person, he could see Death in. If Death was going to claim the soul, he would stay in the glass. If not, he would walk away. One day he finds out that the Tzar is dying. Death doesn’t leave the glass, so the guy tells Death to take him in exchange for the Tzar. We skip to the guy lying in a bed, looking through the glass and seeing Death looking back. He then pulls out a sack and manages to trap Death. He hides Death away and is at first a hero because now nobody can die. But the years go on and groups of old and weary souls gather outside his house, begging for him to free Death so that they may move on. Unable to bear seeing their pain, he takes the sack from where he hid it and opens it so that Death may return. He tells Death that he can now take his life to fulfill the exchange for the Tzar. But Death has become terrified of him and refuses to take him. He is condemned to a life full of watching others grow old and die but never being able to do so himself. After decades and decades he finds his way to Hell and begs them to take him, but upon seeing the sack they refuse. He tells them that he will not leave until they give him a map to heaven and two hundred souls to present at the pearly white gates. He finally gets there, and is still turned away despite his giving Heaven two hundred souls. In the end, the man still roams the Earth wishing for Death to come to him.

4/30/18

Tomorrow we enter the month that I will enter the MTC. I'm trying to get all the online things done that are necessary. Watching all the videos and buying all the necessary things are making it all become more of a real, solid thing that is actually happening. Today I got my official topic for my farewell speech and Adam and I are going to duet "I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go" as well. Things are tangible now and I am going to have to start packing soon. Holy cow.

4/29/18

Seventeen days until I report to the MTC!!

On another note: I want to take a nap so bad.

4/28/18

Low point of today: I went to Walmart at like 9:30 pm because I wanted ice cream. So I walk out carrying my pint of ice cream that I fully intend to consume in its entirety and I pass like five or six couples all holding hands. It’s a good thing it’s not Valentines Day cause that would make it seem even more sad.

4/27/18

I got to go to the temple with Liz today and I’ve missed my cousin so it was much needed.

I played Uno with those giant cards and it was great. ( Mainly because I won three times in a row. But by the fourth round they were onto me and they all ganged up on me.)

4/26/18

I just watched Avengers: Infinity War with Izzy and Liza and AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH is all I have to say.

4/25/18

I did laundry today so I’m actually feeling pretty accomplished.

4/24/18

Happy 15th Anniversary to my parents! My favorite part about their anniversary is telling people and watching them do the math seeing as I am four years older than however long they’ve been married.

I went to Provo today to pick up my stuff I’d left at the dorm and then Eliza and I went to Panda Express (I got mixed veggies as my side in order to maintain the small shred of healthiness in me. It was so sad though. I desperately wanted chow mein.) Then I dropped my car off at Ken Garff Honda so that they could fix it tomorrow morning. After about 45 minutes of waiting I finally got a shuttle home. Then I proceeded to watch Power Rangers with Adam.

Twas good day!

4/23/18

I’m finally completely finished with my musical! Okay, technically not my  musical. But I did take roll and was at every practice so I feel some level of connection to it. It was honestly amazing though to have it all come together and see all those kids be doing something that made them happy. All their hard work totally paid off and they were phenomenal (as phenomenal as middle schoolers can be in a musical.) Also, kudos to all the mom's who helped out because without them none of it would have come together.

4/22/18

It’s mah birthday! This year was different because it’s the first year I’ve had just family really. It was definitely not as exciting or crazy as my parties usually ended up as. But I had people there that I loved and that I know will always stand by me and cheer me on ❤️

4/21/18

I got to take four of my beehives to the Provo City Center Temple for baptisms and it was such a beautiful feeling seeing all these young girls be filled with the spirit. We got Krispy Kreme after and apparently have officially won all their love and approval.

Tomorrow is my birthday, but this year I don’t have the excited feelings I usually do. I’m a huge fan of birthdays in general. There are so many other bigger things happening in my life right now though and I’m feeling like it’s all overshadowing my birthday. Like we have spent so much money on my mission so it’s not like we can afford to also spend money on a birthday present. I almost even said no to streamers. At this point, a good lot of my friends are at college or on missions right now so even though I have family, my birthday already feels a little lonely.

4/20/18

Today was my last day working at the elementary school. I thought it would feel more liberating but I was actually kind of bummed. I really loved working with those kids (and the teachers too.) I'm going to miss them a lot. In honor of my time at the elementary school, here is a list of all the things I'm gonna miss:

• Danniel applying Captain Underpants to every situation
• Titan's eyes getting big and bright when something clicks in his head
• Hugs from Bella every time she see's me
• Seeing Kaydence and Ashlynn working together because they're best friends
• Strongo making any comment he can to get the class to laugh
• Timmy and his obsession with pineapples
• Brisen demanding that she is my favorite
• Grading tests/assignments and getting them done in record time
• The Copy Room. I don't know why but I like it SO MUCH
• Alex going off on tangents that make no sense just so that he doesn't have to do his work
• Abby showing me pictures of her favorite dogs and telling me all about each breed
• Tyler's opera singing (which was performed on a daily basis)
• Chatting with Rowley and Thacker (who are some of the best teachers I've ever met)
• Learning about things that I'd completely forgotten about (I re-learned so much about our solar system it's ridiculous)
• Caitlyn being very verbal about the fact that I am also her young women's leader (I too was pretty verbal about this because she is adorable)
• Getting to move fifth graders to the next fluency book because they'd improved so much
• Cody and the strange things he would bring me on while I was on recess duty (i.e. a maze he'd made himself that I had to solve, weird black goop, etc.)
• Seeing my sister Megan and her best friend Eva at recess. I'm friends with a lot of first graders now
• The plethora of treats in Thackers class
• Being called Miss. Anna (it's so adorable to hear little third graders say)
• Giving Dev and Abbey a hug every time the walked to and from their trailer classroom while I was on recess duty
• Realizing that these fifth graders are getting a way better education than me, learning things that I didn't learn until ninth grade
• Moving third graders from multiplication to division
• Having a bunch of kids thinking that I'm super duper cool when I'm really just an awkward nerd posing as an adult 
• Having kids think that I'm crazy old and wise because I'm eighteen
• When you explain something a certain way and the light just clicks on and the kid finally gets it
• Helping kids feel confident in their abilities, no matter what level they may be at
• The general insanity of my sixth graders I worked with
• The innate kindness in my sweet third graders
• The almost exhausting curiosity of my fourth graders
• Feeling like I was actually impacting kids lives for the better

Things I will not be missing:

• Having to be at the school by 8 am every day
• Cleaning lunch tables
• Seeing the bits of food at the bottom of the rag buckets I used to wipe the tables
• The "rotten egg mixed with vinegar" smell of the lunchroom cleaning products
• Recess duty in the freezing cold
• Only having thirty minutes to drive home and back for my lunch break
• Did I already say cleaning lunch tables?

4/19/18

Today was Adam’s first official performance and he did so so good and I am just so beyond proud of him ahhhhhhh!!!

4/18/18

Felt like crap for most of this day. I did make it to our combined Deacon/Beehive activity though and got to eat a s’more (and consequentially be covered in marshamallow). Plus a bunch of girls left their phones on camping chairs while they did an activity, so I obviously took a picture of myself on each of them!

4/17/18

I ended up going with my mom to her self reliance class that deals with budgeting. Let me tell you, I am not a good budgeter. I like Chick Fil A and watching movies in theatres too much. I did however discover that I will respond to "Mini Rebecca."

4/16/18

1) Today was crazy windy and I saw probably over fifty tumbleweeds just driving home from Mi Ranchito with my mom.

2) I had to get two immunizations today but the lady giving them to me was training a new person so she was explaining the whole thing as she went through it which made it take TEN TIME LONGER. Like she just stabbed me with a needle and held it there while answering the new chicks question. And then she had the nerve to terribly apply my band aid. It got all crumpled in on itself on one side. She didn’t even offer to try and fix it. She just looked at me like I was the crazy one.

4/15/18

Today was actually full of stories for me to tell. To fully appreciate the first one though, I have to give a little backstory.

It was senior year of high school. I was in a writing class based around Sci-Fi and Fantasy. Also in that class, a guy named Schuyler. (Aat least that’s how it’s spelled on his Instagram page, it’s pronounced like Skyler) I didn't know  him, I pretty much just knew of  him. I had to work on a project with him once but the basis of my knowledge about him was that he seemed hardcore hipster but like he wasn’t even trying to be -which if you ask me makes him even more hardcore hipster. Anyway, one night I had this dream that he was in and we had to work together to save this kid name Jake (who I also only know of but don’t actually know) and in part of the dream we ended up making out while we were hiding out in a bathroom. Which is super gross, but I thought the whole thing was hilarious so I made the mistake of telling people and I can never live it down now.

That all being said, it was Matt’s mission farewell today and I go in to sit by Em. Well I sit down and my friend Katie gestures to the guy in front of me while her eyebrows are raised all mischievous like and lo and behold, there is Schuyler. Both her and Em were on the verge of bursting with laughter. I almost was too because of course this is going to happen to me. Luckily no eye contact or conversation insued and I was able to escape.

After mine and Em’s fantastic escape, we went to the luncheon thing for Matt and got to talk to a bunch of people and eat food and have some general fun. As we were about to drive away Spence thought it would be hilarious to pull back my car mirrors and pop up my windshield wipers. But then Matt comes running over and I’m thinking he’s gonna fix the wipers for me but he actually opens my door and pulls on the little lever thing that pops open my hood. I have lost all trust for them now. (Granted, there wasn’t much left.)

We ended up hanging at Matt’s house later where we basically sat in chairs outside and watched a bunch of dogs run around (at least that’s what Em and I did.) But we couldn’t stay too long because at 7:00 there was a YSA social at the Catmul’s which I dragged Emily to. It was actually way fun though. I found out that I’m actually semi okay at ping pong and then we all played “Around The World” (which I was less than semi okay at.) Afterwards we played this game called “Catchphrase” which is essentially electronic charades but you can talk. It’s on a timer though, so you have two teams play against each other and whichever team is holding the device when the timer goes off loses and their other team gets a point. Turns out I’m actually pretty good at it, and Carla and I make a great team!

Then we went to Spencer’s house for like thirty minutes because everybody from Matt’s house earlier migrated to Spence’s basement for some solid movie watching. There was only like thirty minutes left of the movie ‘Masterminds’ by the time we got there but it was still fun.

Most importantly though: I finally got to eat some cheesecake.

4/14/18

Slightly disappointing day because I couldn’t eat the cheesecake I wanted to. Apparently it had to thaw first. Ridiculous if you ask me.

4/13/18

Today I got endowed and that’s the only thing that happened today that was so beyond amazing enough to comment on.

4/12/18

The weirdest thing happened today. I was starting my time slot with the third graders when my stomach decided to feel as if it was being sawed in half. I was in a lot of pain but I pushed through till my lunch break. Once I got home I just spread out on the floor to try and stop the pain. I took some Advil and called in to let them know I wouldn’t be able to come back in the rest of the day. I’ve felt better since then (which could relate to the fact that I took a nap) and now I feel all guilty that I didn’t just finish up the rest of my work day at the elementary.

Adam and I watched Star Trek tonight and he assumed I knew nothing about any of it but I totally proved him wrong and it was awesome.

4/11/18

We are officially half way through my 22-day birthday countdown! Soon I will be a nineteen year old and how strange it seems to be nearly nineteen and have multiple friends turning twenty. For some reason twenty seems incredibly daunting. It’s a whole new decade of life and you can tell people you’re in your twenties and I dunno why but that seems like a big step.

Today I brought the toys that I bought to work. They’re essentially a huge rubber ball but instead of being bouncy they’re filled with this thick foam stuff and they help with concentration. We used to have a bunch because Alicia would use them (and consequently break them) all the time. So today Danniel tried using it and it worked out so good! And the teacher, Rowley, loved them! They are definitely less messy than silly putty, that’s for sure.

Last thing: I had a crazy night, I had two interviews in a row in order to get my temple recommend for my endowment. I nearly cried in the interviews (which is a pretty big deal, I’m not too big of a crier) because I’m excited beyond words to have this opportunity and grow closer to my Heavenly Father and to Christ. Once I got back from those, we held a cupcake decorating based Beehive activity and I’m gonna miss these girls so much. They’re incredible and amazing and I love witnessing their growth. Also, they make some dang cute cupcakes!

4/10/18

I went back to work today, but Vista is doing full run throughs this week so I was on my feet pretty much all day and basically I can’t feel them anymore.

4/9/18

Mom and I spent a good portion of today scrambling to get as many mission things done as possible. Good news: we found some more light church jackets (I have to wear a jacket to all the meetings) and we found some good shoes that I actually love a lot and should work for my mission. We got my immunization records and set up an appointment for the two immunizations that I still need. We also got my appointments with the Bishop and Stake President to get a full temple recommend because we  actually already have my endowment scheduled for Friday!

4/8/18

Today I ate way too much curry but it was worth it.

Emily got back from her Vegas trip and she had gotten me this absolutely gorgeous gold necklace that says “called to serve” and I wanna wear it all the time now.

I made chocolate cupcakes with a green buttercream frosting for Adam to take to Damon cause his arm is broken and whatnot (which is partially Adams fault so hopefully the cupcakes make up for that just a little bit.)

We watched Zathura together (us siblings, the parents ditched us) and it was so beautiful because we actually all agreed on the movie to watch, which never happens. I nearly cried it was such a miracle.

4/7/18

I spent all day with my family and it made me start to fully realize how much I’m gonna miss out on while on my mission. All the little things are gonna add up and by the time I get back it’s entirely plausible that my little sisters will be as tall or taller than me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still beyond pumped to serve a mission, but it’s weird to think about me leaving behind my siblings that are gonna grow and learn. Abbey will be in middle school, Adam in high school and taking drivers ed. Megan will get baptized and I’m sure Rachel will only get sassier. It’s a bittersweet kind of feeling.

4/6/18

I had agreed to watch the Crumps dog Buddy over the weekend while they were in Idaho. So yesterday I go to their house and Spencer isn’t there so his sister walked me through everything I would need to know. So today I head over at 2:00 pm to feed their dog and let him run around and whatnot. But then I walk in and they’re all still home and turns out their dad isn’t going anymore because his knees didn’t feel the need to not be painful. So turns out I’m not hanging out with a dog this weekend.

4/5/18

Okay??? Like, how is Tom Ellis so attractive??? Mmm yeah. His eyes, his accent, his abs, his ability to pull off both facial hair and lack thereof. Not to mention he can sing! Truly amazing.

4/4/18

Man oh man have I missed my memory foam pillow!

Now that I’m back I can really start focusing on preparing for my mission and it’s so exciting! There’s a lot of things I need to get considering that Arizona is crazy hot. Good news: I’ll get a cool bike and a Camelback because they’re required :)

4/3/18

I got to go to the Boston Massachusetts temple today! All the workers were so nice. (What else would you expect in a temple though?) Turns out they don't have many youth come through to do baptisms so I had to wait a while for them to gather enough workers to do the ordinances. They didn't have much time before the next endowment session though so as soon as I walked out of the font they covered me in multiple towels and had me sit on a chair and confirmed me right then and there. The whole thing was really peaceful though. It was nice to escape the world full of swearing and whatnot. I desperately needed this temple trip. (Sadly it was raining so I didn't get too many pictures nor could I get a cool polaroid.)

4/2/18

Today I had one of those moments where you say “You too!” when it’s actually entirely inapplicable to the person you were talking to and it’s haunting me.

I also bought ice cream today. Best decision ever.

Aside from the ice cream, I bought Hello Panda and Pocky sticks for my flight back and I might cry I am so excited to eat them.

4/1/18

Okay so my official plan is to post all my favorite pictures and share all my favorite stories about this trip when I get back because that seems easier. And then I can better sum it all up.

*Update from a later me: this does not happen, for I am lazy and figure that the daily posts shall be enough.*

Good news though: it's finally April! This means the 22 day countdown to my turning nineteen, and it also means I have a month and a half before I am walking into the MTC. Which is insane to think about. And don't mention it to my mom because she is already stressing about all the things we have to get done. And now I sort of am too. But I'm also really excited to have all these things to do, ya know?

3/31/18

Everything these past few days has been crazy and I’ve got some pictures that I’ll have to upload later because it’s crazy late and I’m FaceTiming my family at 9:00 tomorrow for Easter! But for real I’m in desperate need of an adequate amount of sleep.

3/28/18

Some of the many reasons I love my mom:
-When I was about to leave for the airport I stuck two packs of gum in my backpack and then right before I left my mom told me that she had put two packs of gum in my bag for me. So I now have four packs of mint gum with me, which is marvelous.
-I can talk on the phone with her forever and not get even a little tired of hearing her voice. Apparently she has other life duties to attend to though and so the phone calls are generally not forever long.
-She is very good at helping me see a different perspective whenever I start spiraling and going all fatalistic on the world.
-We are crazy alike. We would make the same choice in a situation probably like 90% of the time.
-She's my momma, what's not to love?

3/27/18

I have been in Cambridge, MA for over 24 hours now and it’s been pretty good. I’m staying with Pat in her co-ed housing at MIT. It is very different from Heritage Halls at BYU. There is one shower for the whole floor of an entry (approximately eight people.) And that shower is in the communal bathroom with the single toilet and one urinal and three sinks equipped with mirrors. That being said, I’m slightly terrified of taking a shower (although I’ll have to sooner rather than later) because like literally anyone could walk in while you’re just showering and the only thing you have between you and the other person is a sheet of green plastic that's hanging from the ceiling. Plus I forgot a towel. But I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

3/24/18

Only Amelia could go to the temple today so we went to the Baked Bear and got ice cream sandwiches and they were delicious. Speaking of delicious: soup and pie night was glorious! I got to label all the soups this year and the missionaries sang Love At Home with an ukulele to accompany them.

Tomorrow I open my call! I am so excited and nervous but mostly just SUPER PUMPED!! I honestly can’t sleep. I made more truffles because I didn’t have anything else to do. (Birthday cake flavored!!)

*please note that the order of this post and 3/25/18 have been switched*

3/25/18

TEMPE, ARIZONA!!! Today was beyond crazy what with dipping truffles and strawberries in chocolate for two hours straight. Not to mention trying to keep the house looking immaculate while doing so. But it was so so worth it seeing all my friends and family come to support me. My house was cram packed and I loved it! (My mom, not so much.) It was a great reminder that I have so many people I can lean on. Granted, they were mostly from my ward or my extended family, although I did have college and work friends come too.

I'm so excited to open up this chapter of my life and also become a pro at putting on sunscreen. I enter the MTC on May 16th and I will (thankfully) be speaking English. It's insane that it's all finally happening and I couldn't be happier. I can't wait to meet the people in Tempe and fall in love with the place.

*please note that the order of this post and 3/24/18 have been switched*

3/23/18

The greatest news: BROTHER YOUNG GOT THEM TO PRINT IT EARLY FOR ME IT IS A MIRACLE YAY!!!!

3/22/18

It’s been a day. I had two kids genuinely tell me they wished I stayed to help in their class longer. That was tender. And then one of the girls in the musical I’m stage manager for told me she liked my backpack and she thought I was gorgeous and that she just had to tell me to make sure I knew. It was so pure and adorable and it made me so happy.

Sadly like 45 minutes later my dad texted me saying that something went wrong and I won’t get my call delivered to me on Friday. Which means I have to contact everyone and cancel the whole party I planned out for Sunday. But my dad won’t let me tell everybody because he’s trying to get them to make an exception for me because I leave to MA on Monday and won’t get back until April 4th and whatnot. My eyes are still puffy though. I had to leave the middle school auditorium and it took everything in me not to burst into tears before I could reach my car.

3/21/18

I officially have an LDS email account! Meaning that my call has been assigned and everything actually worked out and I’ll be opening it on Sunday as planned!

There are times where I love working at the elementary school, and times where kids do or say things that I almost can’t take. Today had a little of both.

The good: I work a lot with a third grader named Danniel (yes it is spelled with two n’s) and he has trouble concentrating and will often end up missing the beginning of lessons because he has to be at speech therapy. Today I was working with him on using visuals to represent elapsed time. (i.e. a triangle represents an hour passing whereas another shape represents blocks of time less than an hour)  He was having a bit of a tough time at first. He kept adding minutes in the hours place or just changing the hour to however many minutes he added at first. So I wrote on the whiteboard 2:30 and then drew a line over the colon and showed him that the first section is hours and the second is minutes. I explained that you can’t add hours to the minute numbers and vice versa because they’re different units. And then it totally clicked for him, I could see it. After he finished a problem by himself and got it right I told him he was basically a pro. The last problem was different and a lot harder than the others so I warned him that it wouldn’t be as easy. He just waved it off and said, “It’s okay, I’m a pro, remember? So I got this!” It honestly made me so happy. Usually when he comes across a hard problem he’ll get frustrated and not want to do it anymore. But he was so confident and all it took was one sentence from me. These are the things that make me so glad that I work there.

The not so good: I’ve gotten stuck with recess duty. It’s not too bad aside from having to discipline kids who act out or deal with slightly scraped up kids who are crying and insisting that they should see the nurse. (I send them every time because first aid and crying children are outside my jurisdiction.) Usually I just have to tell kids not to hog the swing sets or not to kick balls as far as they can because they’re upset they’re out of the game of Speed they were playing. But today is the worst I’ve had it so far. I was actually angry. I had a kid come up to me and let me know that there was a boy calling people “a dumb piece of s***” which is bad enough. But then he informed me that this kid was also picking on a boy with autism and calling him a psycho. Oh man did I chew this kid out. He tried to give sassy remarks back which honestly just ticked me off even more. I told him it was rude and completely insensitive to call people names, ESPECIALLY calling this boy with autism a psycho. This jerk had the nerve to say “Well that’s what he is.” I’m not 100% sure I have the authority to do this but I told the kid, “I don’t care if you think that, keep it to yourself. If it happens again you’re going to the principals office.” So being the “cool” kid he is he says, “I’ve already been suspended before.” But my comeback game was strong today so I said, “Good. Then you’ll know what to do.” I turned to the boy that let me know what was going on and said, “If this happens again let me know.” And then I walked away. I’m still boiling inside just thinking about it. Maybe I should have sent him to the office right then. It’s probably better this way though, now I have it set in place to send him the next time he does something like that.

3/20/18

I made three different batches of truffles today. It’s highly likely my house will overflow with truffles. (Our freezer already is!) Mom says I’ve gone too crazy with all the truffles but I don’t see how else I’m supposed to get my excitement out so I don’t explode.

3/19/18

Today I found out that Brother Young can bring me my mission call this Friday! So I’ve obviously been super pumped and have started figuring things out for my mission call opening. (I even made cookie dough truffles tonight and froze them so we can use them on Sunday when I open my call!)

3/17/18

Good news: I should be receiving a call on Tuesday and it should be printed out by March 27th to be sent to me in the mail!

Bad news: I leave for Massachusetts on the 26th so it is highly likely that it arrives before I get back from my trip. But I’ve waited this long, I can wait one more week, right?

3/15/18

Oops. I stayed up til 1:00 AM again. It was worth it though because Em, Spence, Brian, and I ended up driving to Krispy Kreme when we couldn’t find a doughnut pan and my dreams of making homemade doughnuts were dashed. And then we ended up at Spence’s house eating doughnuts and playing this game called “Cover Your Assets” (which Em and I turned out to be really good at.) I kept showing people dog videos while we talked about embarrassing/funny life moments. It was almost fun enough to make me not want to punch Mother Nature for making it snow AGAIN. The last few days have actually been pretty warm and I foolishly let myself have a sliver of hope.

3/14/18

I was gonna make pie today but I had work from 8:00-5:00 and then we had New Beginnings for Young Women’s. So, sadly, I have had no pie on pie day.

I did squats and lunges and whatnot this morning and my thighs are getting their revenge by aching 24/7.

I don’t know why but today is one of those days where even the smallest inconveniences makes me want to scream and throw something. Maybe break some plates.

3/13/18

I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s going to take ten years until I can go on a mission. (At this rate at least.)

Fun Fact I Learned Today: Beta fish are crazy about their personal bubbles and will literally kill any other Beta fish that is in their territory. (Like you literally cannot even put them in the same tank.) I actually genuinely cannot imagine how a fish fight would look though. Like what do they even do? Hi five each other’s fins really hard?

3/11/18

Today has actually been very productive and calming and here is why:

1. My YW lesson went great. I had the girls write trials on one side of a paper and later had them write things that bring them joy. And then I had them compare the lengths of the list and see which one was bigger and everybody was like “The joy list!” and I felt so bomb.

2. The weather didn’t suck so I took all my siblings on a walk (minus Alicia) and we pulled Megan in a wagon and stopped at the park and rolled down the hill and pet a cute dog!

3. I did so much baking. I made no-bake cookies in the morning (I know. Not really baking but I used the stovetop and heat and whatnot so we are gonna count it.) and then tonight I made some way cool cinnamon roll cookies and also some browned butter crinkle cookies. Mmmmm. I just love baking.

4. I think I have a game plan for what to do with this whole opening the Pandora’s Box that is my biological family I’ve never met. It still needs fine tuning, but I’m feeling a lot better about the whole situation.

5. Did I mention baking?

3/10/18

My dearest Izzy Reynolds got called to serve in Brazil!! I’m so proud of her and so glad to see how happy she is.

I also went to the temple today which was much needed. It’s a good place for reconnecting with yourself and God.

Fun fact: it is officially Daylight Savings and I’m a little mad cause I’m gonna end up losing an hour of sleep.

3/9/18

Brace yourself, because I’ve had a lot of internal conflicts today.

I got home from work today and for some reason decided to check my Facebook. (Which I hardly ever do.) I noticed I had some friend requests so I thought I would clear them out (I get so many requests from total strangers that live in like India or other places like that.) I notice that somebody named Sue Boston has requested to follow me. My heart starts racing because Boston is the last name of my biological father. I immediately call my mom and ask her what my biological grandmothers first name is and she tells me it’s Susan, but she goes by Sue. 

Mind you, I (and my mother) have had zero contact since the day I was adopted and Todd signed over his parental rights. Technically he and his family too I guess, are still allowed to contact me. They could have at any time. They didn’t even have to wait until I was eighteen. But now I’m nearly nineteen and (hopefully) about to leave on a mission and this is one of those decisions that changes everything. 

I haven’t done anything yet. I think I’m still sort of reeling from the fact that it’s something that’s actually happening. I always thought that if I ever got in contact with them, it would be on my time. I really want to meet her though. The problem is, I know that I am not ready to meet Todd. I’m beyond torn. I talked to my mom and she said that it’s obviously up to me, but I have to be completely selfish in whatever decision I make because this is not about them, this is about me. I know that I can set my own terms though. I can say that right now I’m only okay with meeting her and I’m hoping she can respect that. 

I obviously cyberstalked her, because what else are you supposed to do when a grandmother you’ve never really met requests to be your Facebook friend? She has a few group pictures of all her other grandkids. Up until today I didn’t even think about having cousins that I’ve never met. Apparently one of them is about my age. For the first time I got to see what my aunts and uncles really look like. Todd kept pretty much everything from my first about six months of life. So I’ve never known what anybody looks like. I barely even knew what he looked like. All I have is a few videos from a Christmas and when we moved to Spokane, Washington. Those and a picture of him, my mom, and me from the day I was born. (My face is scrunched up and bright red. Not the best baby picture to have as pretty much your only baby picture. But I still keep it in my jewelry box because it’s all I really have.) 

Todd doesn’t have a Facebook. I cross checked her friend list. Plus I’ve searched him up before and come up with nothing. I even had my dad (the Randy one who adopted me when I was five) help because he’s good with computers and finding things on the internet. (The conversation previous to said helping was a little weird, but I appreciate him understanding that it was important to me.) 

This whole situation (the Facebook thing and the divorce thing all those years back) is actually just super hard. Alicia is the only other person who could relate to what’s happening, but she has autism and can’t fully understand or comprehend. I feel trapped a little, like there’s nobody to talk to that can actually give me advice based on their own experiences. Not even my mom. She was on the other side of it. She had to deal with all the abuse and come to the conclusion that if she wanted her girls to live their best possible lives she would have to file for divorce and get full custody. She even missed her sisters wedding because she had to stay in state while the custody battle was going on. 

But the perspective of being that child is so different. There’s nothing tangible for me. I don’t even have any memories. And as much a I love my dad who raised me and sings songs at the piano with me and teases me relentlessly about my perfectionism, there’s always a part of me that wants to know more about my biological family. Not knowing anything makes me feel like something is missing. I haven’t met anybody else who has never met one or both of their bio parents, but I’m assuming it’s a common thing. I think it’s human nature to want to know where you came from. 

As you can tell from this incredibly long entry, it’s been quite a day. But Rachael and Mary and I had a movie night and watched Newsies and sang along to the songs. I dozed off a few times because my sleeping patterns are still trying to readjust to waking up at 5:30-6:00 every morning. It ended at 11:30 ish and I drove Rachael home and we stayed parked in her driveway for nearly an hour. And she let me just talk and talk. I didn’t even talk to her about this whole situation because it’s so deep and I didn’t want to cry. I worry that it makes people uncomfortable because they don’t know what to say back, you know? I’m sure Rach would have been good with it though, she’s soft and thoughtful that way. You can see how deep she cares about things. I swear she barely got two words in. I told her all my frustrations with my mission call and having to wipe down lunch tables for work. We talked about our younger selves and how much we’ve changed and how we didn’t even know way back when I first moved in that we would all turn out to be best friends. It helped me so much, to just get everything else out. She nods and laughs and smiles with bright eyes and she didn’t even seem a bit upset that I was doing most of the talking or stumbling over a lot of my words because I was so sleep deprived. I’m still anxious as all get out trying to figure out how to deal with all this. But I’m feeling a lot better about things in general thanks to Rach. I really appreciate her and late night car talks.

3/8/18

I’m so so tired.

Turns out that after waiting nearly five weeks to get a mission call, I still don’t have one! Woohoo. Instead I get told that I have to schedule an appointment for a psych evaluation. And fill out more paperwork, and it’ll be probably another week (or more) before I can even think about finding my call in the mailbox.

3/7/18

Matt texted me at 9:00 pm and asked me if I wanted to see where he was going on a mission. At 11:00 pm a bunch of us went to his house (which was fully equipped with delicious hot cocoa for everyone) and we all put our guesses down for where he would be going. At first I was gonna put Nashville, Tennessee but then I decided I’d have a better shot at winning if I guessed California. Lo and behold, the call is opened and guess who is going to Nashville, Tennessee. Still sort of mad I didn’t win because I would have been SPOT on which would have been so cool. But Emily won by default (technically Skylar guessed the closest but he left before the prize was handed out) and shared her Kit Kat winnings with me.

It’s great because now whenever I see him I can make some dumb joke about how he’s “the only ten-I-see.” I’m actually probably more excited about that than I should be.

3/6/18

My call still isn’t here yet and I am stressing out. It’s been five weeks since I first thought it was submitted, four since it was actually submitted (once I took a page back to my physician that had to be filled out but had been skipped over.) It’s not supposed to take so long, and I’m trying not to cry every time I try to log in to the missionary emailing system just to have it tell me I’m not a missionary so I don’t have an account. My parents keep telling me that I “just need to have more faith in God’s timing.” And I get that, but until I get that call I can’t know when I’m leaving and thus can’t plan things for after my mission or apply for an actual missionary deferment for winter semester. I’m not good with having my future be so up in the air and not being able to do anything about it.

3/5/18

Today I took my siblings (minus Leesh) to the Puppy Barn that just opened up in Saratoga. Everyone loved it except Megan who was mad that she couldn’t hold the puppies and upset that they didn’t have a drinking fountain.

John texted me this morning to see if we could hang out, he’s back for a while living with his family. (Significantly cheaper than paying a monthly rent.) So we went to Roxberry and he bought us both smoothies. I ordered the smallest size but they messed up and ended up making them both mediums. Then we went to Target, spent some time smelling candles, and tried to find mugs but to no avail. They’re doing rennovations so things are sort of random and all over the place in there. Plus the lighting is dimmed. It’s like being thrown into an alternate reality that’s just different enough to be noticeable. It was good to catch up though. We talked about college and jobs and roommates and my mission and memes. We seriously considered sending friend requests to Peay on Facebook just to see what would happen.

I am once again awake at a ridiculous hour considering I have to be at work at 8am tomorrow. But at 8:30 tonight I started re-reading this book called “To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before” and I can't put it down. They’re making a movie of it right now, plus I just got access to the third book in the series. It’s unlikely the movie comes out before I leave on my mission considering it’s still currently in post production, but I still want to refresh my memory of it. It’s probably one of my favorite books of all time. Jenny Han is an amazing author.

I’ve officially come to the conclusion I should have come to months ago: This whole salvaging my friendship with Hunter thing isn’t gonna happen. And that kind of sucks. But I think it’s important to know at what point its gonna be worse for you to keep trying than it would be to give up. It’s weird to think that I can picture the whole layout of his house, I’ve been there so many times. And there’s just so many memories at all these different places I pass when I’m driving and now we don’t talk. And it’s likely that we never will again. It’s a strange feeling to realize that you can spend so much time with a person and then one day just have it all be gone. It didn’t even seem like a progression, we were friends and then suddenly we weren’t.

Sorry this entry was so long and turned into a bit of a sad rant that last paragraph. This sort of counts as a journal for me so every now and then something like that will happen. Just bear with me.

3/4/18

I took about five naps today so that’s how my life is going.

3/3/18

I take it back. Spencer is not my fav. He is the worst and he needs to stop putting disgusting things in people’s drinks when they aren’t looking.

3/2/18

Spencer is my fav because he will split 30 nuggets with me and not judge me when I eat more than my fair share. He’s cool, even if he plans trips to malls to try and find cute girls which I think is the opposite of cool.

Also: I ordered some clothes online last Tuesday and they originally weren’t going to come until this next Monday BUT they arrived today and I’m so happy!!

3/1/18

I always grossly overestimate how much FroYo I can eat. It’s becoming a tad expensive of a  problem to have.

Also: never ever volunteer for recess duty or cafeteria cleanup. I forgot that the cafeteria is where nightmares are born. And it was so cold outside that I couldn’t feel my fingers, even with gloves. Once my 45 minute shift was over they announced that it was too cold and the snow was getting too strong for them to have outside recess anymore. I didn’t even sign up for this, I got roped into this terrible situation and can’t see a way out. Please save me.

2/28/18

I’m actually learning some of the kids names, and remembering them! I’ve started caring about these guys so much and so fast. I’m gonna really miss them once I have to leave for my mission.

It’s so crazy to me that today is the last day of February. I feel like literally yesterday I was packing up my dorm room and saying bye to my girls. In another sense though, college seems kind of like it was a dream and if it weren’t for the fact that all my old roommates come running up to hug me every time I visit, I would probably not believe I actually attended fall semester.

2/27/18

ALL THE WOMEN IN BLACK PANTHER ARE SO STRONG AND NOT JUST PLOT DEVICES AND THEY ARE AMAZING I LOVE IT!!!!

Also: I officially have a plane ticket to see Pat in Massachusetts!!!

2/26/18

It… has been a day. I got to watch Mormon Pride and Prejudice though which makes up for the fact that I spent some of my day off cleaning and making dinner.

My mom spent all day rushing to get our house all set up for her friend Janice who flew in tonight to spend a few days with us before she stops by and visits her sister. So I went with my mom to pick her up and we left early to eat dinner (we went to Olive Garden, surprise surprise) and after dinner we found some new ties for Adam.

2/25/18

I took an unreasonably long nap today so 10:00 rolls around and I’m not tired at all. Naturally I finish up a painting, make a home made brush cleaner, clean all my make-up brushes, set my make-up brushes out to dry, make some whipped coconut sugar lip scrub and then clean up the hurricane of things I left strewn throughout the kitchen. I have clean make up brushes and a delicious lip scrub now, which makes me feel like my life is more put together than before!

2/24/18

I’m so so tired but I got to see Izzy and Meg and Liza and Mels and Kailey and Reno. If I think too much about it I start to miss them and BYU and our quote wall and our secret quote wall for the inappropriate quotes and our movie nights. Man oh man do I love them.

2/22/18

I'm recently obsessed with Holland Roden (she plays Lydia on Teen Wolf). Like she’s gorgeous and we both have red hair so obviously this was gonna happen. Literally anytime someone has red hair I feel like we must be kindred spirits.

2/21/18

My mom bought me five new dresses today and it is highly possible that it made me the happiest person alive for a little while there. (SOME OF THEM EVEN HAVE POCKETS YAYYYYY!!)

2/20/18

I’m nearly done grading all the Solar System tests for Thackers sixth grade class and I could not feel more accomplished.

Abbey’s District Science Fair was today and our whole family drove 23 minutes there to support her, stayed for about 15 minutes, and then drove back. I did see some of the sixth graders I know though, and they recognized me and I got to stop and talk with them for a minute! That was actually pretty cool.

2/19/18

Today was a holiday, thus also a three day weekend. We had waffles for breakfast and then went to lunch at JCW’s, then to Cabellas. It was actually pretty cool despite the vast amount of taxidermy surrounding you at all times. We got tokens for the shooting range thing they have there and I helped Megan with hers. Not to brag or anything, but I was semi good at it. Perhaps even above average. Once we got home Dad started playing the piano so I got out some of our song books and had him play a few while I sung along. It didn’t sound the greatest but it was pretty fun. After dinner we had a talent show for FHE, biasly judged by Meg. I tried to catch a bunch of goldfish in my mouth in a row but I was laughing so much that I couldn’t get past two. Adam and Abbey sang, Dad showed us his Dubsmash of Donald Trump, and Rach did this seven minute super random skit. Dad filmed all of them so that we can “cherish these moments forever.” It was a hectic day, that’s for sure, but a lot of good came out of it too.

2/15/18

I have developed a serious addiction to the television show ‘Teen Wolf’ (its a legitimate problem but we will focus on that later.) They recently introduced a new character named Kira and she honestly resonates with me so much. She’s adorable and awkward and doesn’t know how to act around guys. She’s pretty awesome. Plus she kicks butt, which is a huge bonus.

2/14/18

It was actually a pretty good Valentines Day and here is why:
• I spent it rotating through elementary school classrooms and got to attend multiple parties
• Bella (in the 4th Grade) brought me a box of nerds with my name on it and everything. Like it was the cutest thing I’ve ever experienced. As soon as I walked in she ran up to me and hugged me and said, “Hi Anna!” The best part is: she only just met me yesterday. This child is so pure and must be protected at all costs.
• It comes equipped with battle scars. (a.k.a. I burnt my finger on some hot glue while trying to stick two fluff balls together)
• I relived the glory days when everybody would make cool boxes and deliver candy.
• One teacher got me this massive lollipop as a thank you for grading her science tests for her. (It was delicious by the way!)
• I built a fort at the Curiosity Museum with Dustin.
• I also made myself a spider friend out of those fuzzy twisty stick thingies.
• I got a bag of kisses (so I could do that hilariously funny thing and give out kisses on Valentines Day) and wrote little letters to all my friends to give to them alongside the kisses.
• It ended with a “spontaneous adventure” Walmart trip with Matt. Turns out literally nothing he wanted was there/in stock. So he bought two different orange liquids and then made fun of me for drinking water.
•Also when I got home I was not locked out of my house which was glorious!

Some pictures:

 

2/13/18

I keep telling myself that I’m gonna excercise and eat healthy and have a regular sleeping schedule. At this point I think I’m saying it more as a joke cause I know it ain’t gonna happen.

2/11/18

I aspire to have a friendship like the one the internet assumes Obama and Biden have.

2/8/18

 I was a cruel ten year old and here is why: When Adam was about five or so I decided (for a reason unbeknownst to even myself) to tell him that ants were only dangerous in the night. If they could smell your feet they would all get together and eat each foot down to the bone. Boy oh boy this freaked the poor kid out. For the next three or four years he refused to go to bed without socks on (and was deathly afraid of ants). Finally my mom asked him why and he just looked at her incredulously and proceeded to explain that it was obviously so that the ants wouldn’t smell his feet and then eat them. My mom pretty much lost it. She asked him why in the world he would ever think that and he told her I had told him that. Needless to say, I got in pretty big trouble for managing to psychologically torture my little brother for four years straight with just one brief story.

2/6/18

Right now I’m the stage manager at Vista Heights for their musical “The Wiz.” I’m in charge of attendance and checking in with the parents when their kid doesn’t come. Today I sent the same exact message to everyone, just switched names. All the parents were kind and understanding except one. This one father felt the need to send me a long, angry text telling me I was rude for saying that too many absences would result in a child not being able to participate and how the schedule was a wreck and how I’m not considerate of parents having to alter their schedule. Dealing with anxiety and whatnot, it got me really worked up and I could feel my whole body start shaking and I had to leave the auditorium to calm down.

Essentially I just want to remind everyone how important it is to be kind. Even when you’re frustrated. There is never a good excuse to demean and insult someone. Especially a person who is just trying to do their job. (Which might as well be a volunteer position considering I’m only getting paid about $500 for months of working six plus hours a week.) My apologies that that was a little ranty, but you never know what other people are going through so just set kind as your default please.

2/5/18

I went to a gymnastics competition with Kennalou and her mom and sister. It was actually hecka cool to watch and they told us the heights of each player from U of U that competed and a good majority were short like me! Or shorter! And that made me wildly happy for some reason.

Sad news: Yesterday the Stake Secretary stopped by and turns out there was some stuff left blank on my medical form, some of it I never filled out and a portion that my physician was supposed to fill out. Luckily I already have an appointment set up for today but I’m still super bummed that it’s taken another week longer than it should have. I just want them in already, I can’t wait to get a call and now I have to wait even longer.

Happy news: I have a package coming in the mail today! I love expecting packages, the anticipation of getting to open something you ordered online is a weirdly awesome feeling.

2/2/18

This morning I got hired at Thunder Ridge Elementary to be an aide. So I set up a finger printing appointment and got finger printed for the second time this week. Definitely can't hide from the government now.

I drove to Provo and went out to dinner with Izzy (whom I missed unbearably) and I got to see my other roommates too! Then I went to the temple where they let me get fifteen names done and then they let me stamp them once they were recorded. After that I got to hang out with Rachael and we went to Penguin Brothers (which I now know is one of the coolest little ice cream sandwich places to ever exist, they have polaroids all over and classic pictures with ice cream sandwiches photo shopped into them.) They had a sign saying that if you bought one of their dad hats you could also get the number of the employee of your choosing. Underneath in parentheses: (all employees are 10/10 and their lips taste like ice cream.)

2/1/18

Have I mentioned how great my parents are? Gah, they’re so great. Beyond amazing! They’re letting me use some of our frequent flier miles to visit my best friend Pat in Cambridge, Massachusetts before I leave on my mission!!

BEST. SURPRISE. EVER.

1/31/18

Good news: I submitted my mission papers last night.

Bad news: I’m hecka sick and will death glare at anybody who tries to talk to me without bringing a peace offering.

1/30/18

UGH SOMEBODY JUST BUY ME A PUPPY!!
(King Charles Cavalier is preferred, French Bulldog is a close second)

1/29/18

I am actually really loving all these memes/jokes about the FBI watching you through your cameras on your phone, laptop, et cetera. My favorites are the ones where a specific agent is assigned to each person and your agent cheers you on and wants to be your best friend. Like that’s so cute. What a fun adult version of imaginary friends!

1/27/18

They just opened up a car wash right next to our house and they’re currently giving out free car washes so Adam and I waited in this long line of cars to get our free car wash and boy oh boy is my car shiny. Embarrassing fact: my car has not been through a single car wash since I got it two and a half years ago.

Mom had us take the van through it too (the line was even longer the second time around). Megan and Abbey came with us this time and we played the song “Candy Girl (Sugar, Sugar)” while we went through. It was actually pretty awesome. Plus now we have two clean cars!

1/26/18

Went to the temple with Spence today and we ran into Liz! We also ran into this guy I used to work with at Culvers names Keshawn. I felt pretty popular. I also found out that Spencer didn’t know how to braid so I taught him because I am just such a good friend.

1/25/18

There’s this “got milk?” commercial that says that nine out of ten U.S. Olympians grew up drinking milk and I don’t know why but I think it’s so funny. Like that’s so random. How did they even get that information? What process did they go through to get that statistic? It just makes me laugh.

1/24/18

Today a stranger told me I was “super pretty” and it was amazing. There is something so genuine and tender about compliments from strangers.

1/23/18

I keep staying up way late watching television. Not suggested, very unhealthy habit. But that’s beside the point. The main reason I’m thinking it’s a bad idea now is that I have discovered that I’m significantly more prone to crying in the early A.M. Like, SIGNIFICANTLY.

1/21/18

Update: I decided I wanted to try out being a pescatarian (basically vegetarian but you don’t exclude fish from your diet) for at least a month. I think it’ll be really cool to work on living a healthier lifestyle and being more thoughtful about the foods I eat. Also afterwards I can tell people I went through a pescatarian phase, which is pretty cool.

1/20/18

Up until about sixth grade, I had never seen an actual picture of Bruno Mars. I had however seen a picture of John Cena and somehow convinced myself that he was Bruno Mars. So, for a good chunk of my life, every time I heard a Bruno Mars song I pictured John Cena as the one singing it.

1/19/18

I really like those videos that are about how ridiculous it would be if we treated physical illness like we do mental illnesses. They honestly make me feel so much better about the days where I don’t want to leave the house and can barely convince myself to shower.

1/18/18

I know it’s pretty shallow, but I’m kind of mad that no one has ever tried to kiss me. But that’s pretty hypocritical because I’ve never tried to kiss anyone either. I’m going on a mission soon, meaning if someone doesn’t kiss me in the next four months, I’ll end up with another eighteen to go before it’s even a possibility again. It’s stupid but I’d kind of rather be kissed before I’m old enough to legally drink alcohol in the U.S. (Yes, I know that this is a terrible way to measure life events.)

1/17/18

I have the absolute worst sleep schedule. I’m halfway done with a book now though. So there’s a bright side.

1/16/18

Oh gosh I’m so poor.

1/15/18

Today Em and I went to Harmon’s, found ridiculously priced items, and made each other guess the price. I found a $16 bag of pistachios. It wasn’t even a big bag either.

We also found this brand of nut butter called “Justin’s” and each different type had this beautifully funny paragraph on the back. It’s also horrendously overpriced but wow what a gem.

1/14/18

I couldn’t sleep for some reason. I finally fell asleep at 7:10 am. But we had church at 9:00. So that was short lived. Then I took a nap from like 1:00-4:00, thus renewing the vicious sleep cycle.

1/13/18

Why do I like middle aged men in Hollywood so much??

1/11/18

Today I am hardcore craving chicken nuggets from Chick Fil A.

I want to be a celebrity solely so that I could participate in fun interviews (and actually also to meet actual famous people cause imagine chilling with Robert Downy Jr. So cool.)

1/10/18

Right now my eyes are really puffy and they hurt the ways eyes hurt after you've cried too much too fast. This maybe isn't a story that everyone will want to hear, and honestly I'm sort of afraid of posting anything too deep or real about me on here. I don't have thousands of followers or anything, and this blog is more for me than it is for anyone else, but just the fact that what I type will be out there for anybody to read is mildly terrifying.

So I suggest if you are looking for something more lighthearted, move on to another post.

My topic: mental illness. It's strange to think that it is still a pretty taboo topic given that the statistics say its so common. I think it's something that takes some courage to talk about because if you bring it up and tell people then you have to explain it. If you break your leg people don't even have to wonder. They'll just look at it and understand how much it hurt. But mental illness is different, because even the people that have depression like you or anxiety like you will experience it differently. And it's hard to feel like people really understand how much it can tear you apart inside.

Another thing that makes it hard is that it isn't always an everyday thing. Some days will be pretty good and you can almost pretend that you weren't curled up on the floor bawling the week before or rocking back and forth focusing on breathing the right ways to try and calm yourself down because even the idea of having to go to the grocery store is too much. I know a billion other sites probably say something similar but it's important to me to write it out in my own way.

It's actually the hardest thing because a lot of the time you feel like the only person to blame is you. It's hard to distinguish the lines between who you are and your mental illness. So a lot of the times you can fall into this deep dark hole of thinking that you are utterly alone and beyond screwed up and if you could just buckle down on yourself life would be better. That it's entirely your fault that you feel like everything is collapsing in on you. For the first few months that's what I thought. I figured I just couldn't hold it together, I wasn't strong enough and all the consequences from skipping school and sleeping whenever I could were because of who I was.

This is not to say that my depression and anxiety are not a part of who I am. I would say that they are, I think anyone with a chronic illness of any sort would agree. It doesn't define who we are, but it has shaped who we have become. There are a lot of things I understand now that I didn't before. I have more empathy and compassion and I've gotten really good at finding even the thinnest of silver linings because that is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes.

My apologies that this is so long but I just feel that it is so important that people understand to their core that despite feeling alone in dealing with mental illness, they are far from it. It can suck, to put it lightly. It can make you feel like nothing sometimes, but I like to think that for as low as we get in life, there is something in store for us that is higher. (Not drugs though. Eat some chicken nuggets instead, those things are delicious.)

1/9/18

Reading books makes me feel powerful.

1/7/18

We had 9 am church today. I'm not gonna lie, I sort of hate having church so early in the morning.

1/6/17

I've been feeling kind of grungy as of late. Which means that I felt totally justified in spending a good portion of my day today watching videos about kittens and puppies.

Yesterday was great though because I finally got to see Patri after what felt like forever. We played crazy fun yet stressful games at Nicole's house. Not to brag or anything but I almost won a few times.

1/4/17

Last night Em and I stayed up until like one am watching Stranger Things and bleaching each other's hair to create a sort of ombré effect. We aren't telling anyone what we did and are going to wait and see how long it takes our families to figure it out.

Played with puppies a lot today and went to the temple so it was an all around good day.

1/2/18

Today I learned a lot about how second cousins and once removed cousins et cetera work.

I also watched Oceans Eleven for the first time with Mary and Rachael and Grace. I know it's illegal and all but I think it would be so cool to plan and perfectly execute an elaborate heist.

Last thing: I discovered that my Bishop and his wife could logically have the couple name Denny which I thought was pretty hysterical.

1/1/18

My parents really want to see The Greatest Showman solely because they went to high school with the bearded lady. I mean I guess my dad loves musicals too, but it's the main reason my mom wants to see it.

12/31/17

The last day of the year. Technically I am posting this at nearly three a.m. the next day because staying up late is sort of a staple of New Years Eve.

This year has definitely not been easy but I made it through thanks to the amazing people who have had my backs. Cheers to my college family and my real family and all my crazy friends.