9/26/20

 Today was easily one of the more difficult days I've had to experience. Vince texted me this morning with some seriously concerning stuff and it stressed me out of my mind all day. I know he didn't mean to stress me out or make me feel like what he was going through was my fault but he did. I'm still glad he contacted me and told me what was going on though. I wish so desperately that I could actually be there for him but I honestly don't think that would be very healthy for either of us. I had to keep reminding myself that him not doing well is not my fault. Our break up may have played a role in him experiencing this right now but ultimately even if I stayed with him he would still be struggling with this. It's something that requires legitimate professional help and no matter what I could do to help, I can't do that. 

I had my first calculus exam due today as well and I was so worried about it. I ended up asking my professor if I could get an extension on the deadline and he pushed it back to be due on Monday just before midnight so I have some more time now which is good. That on top of everything with Vince was really making me spiral. I was able to take a nap after lots and lots of crying. I woke up dehydrated and starving and with a killer headache. I grabbed some Taco Time, popped a pain reliever, and then spent the rest of the day with David watching the NBA Western Finals and then some Blindspot and just hanging out. The break was most definitely needed and I'm grateful he's nearby. Especially with Derity living in IF now. It was a rough day and I'm grateful it's over. I talked with Vince's Bishop about looking out for him and I feel better about the whole situation even though I know that I can't do much. There's somebody there who can and that's comforting. 

9/25/20

 I was technically supposed to have another Mutual date tonight with some other guy but he had to cancel cause he had a sinus infection. So now all my roommates and I call him 'sinus infection guy' which I'm sure is not a nickname he would have chosen for himself haha! I ended up hanging out with David tonight instead which honestly I was grateful for because another Mutual date sounded exhausting. 

9/24/20

 I had my first date from the Mutual app and it was... awkward. I don't know what I was expecting. It wasn't bad per se. I just wasn't really feeling it and he was a bit of an awkward dude. I tried to make a joke about my job as a TA: "Things are really slow at the beginning of the semester but then all the sudden in the middle of the semester everybody wants to be your friend!" He got real serious all the sudden as was like, "Those people don't actually want to be your friends you know. They're just using you." And I didn't really know how to respond so I was just like, "Haha yeah I guess you're right!" I feel like that interaction pretty much sums up the feel of the whole night. 

9/23/20

 I'm starting to feel more confident with calculus now. We are doing all this derivative stuff now and it's actually making some sense!

What's not making a ton of sense: this whole thing with David where we talked about being more than friends and decided to just be friends for now. Like holy cow. I am getting so many mixed signals so that's great.But also I'm okay with just being friends. It feels like a weird in between now but I'd rather have that than nothing at all.

9/22/20

 So. Boys are confusing. Also figuring out how to get over a break up or even if I'm over breaking up with Vince in the first place is difficult. I've never been through any of this before and I don't know how long it takes. Some days are good and other days are difficult and I'm still hurting. I still have his sweatshirt. And it still smells like him. And I still bury my face in it and breathe the scent of him in sometimes. I hate how much I hurt him, it's killing me. But I just keep remembering that God cares about him even more than I do and that God is watching out for him right now. I know in the end it'll all be okay, I just hope that he can see that too with everything that he's going through right now. 

My mom gave me some good advice on moving on though. If it comes naturally and you don't feel like you're forcing it in regards to flirting with someone else and whatnot, then you're good. Just let what happens happen. So I'm trying to do that. 

9/21/20

 I feel as if I may finally be starting to get in a good groove. My roommates and I will all share the living room to do homework during the day and I love that. I've switched my scripture studies to be first thing when I wake up and it has helped me get SO much more out of them. It's also helped me to do better with my morning prayers. Really I'm just trying to focus on being the best version of myself possible and to enjoy as many moments as I can. I am working to become someone who can easily say that they love life.

9/19/20

Finished week one of school. It was overwhelming to review everything I needed to for calculus and there were more times than I'd like to admit that I was on the verge of tears and thinking that maybe I couldn't actually do this. But I did it and it all worked out!

It's only been one week but I already feel such a good bond with my new roommates and I am so grateful that I switched apartments. Yesterday they invited me out to play ultimate frisbee with them and I went and had fun and tonight we all watched a rom-com together. I think a lesson that I've definitely learned is that it's not worth it to be tolerant of having people in your life that don't make you feel loved and confident.

I realized that even though I've felt a little in over my head this week, I am incredibly happy and content because I have great people and great friendships in my life.