1/31/18

Good news: I submitted my mission papers last night.

Bad news: I’m hecka sick and will death glare at anybody who tries to talk to me without bringing a peace offering.

1/30/18

UGH SOMEBODY JUST BUY ME A PUPPY!!
(King Charles Cavalier is preferred, French Bulldog is a close second)

1/29/18

I am actually really loving all these memes/jokes about the FBI watching you through your cameras on your phone, laptop, et cetera. My favorites are the ones where a specific agent is assigned to each person and your agent cheers you on and wants to be your best friend. Like that’s so cute. What a fun adult version of imaginary friends!

1/27/18

They just opened up a car wash right next to our house and they’re currently giving out free car washes so Adam and I waited in this long line of cars to get our free car wash and boy oh boy is my car shiny. Embarrassing fact: my car has not been through a single car wash since I got it two and a half years ago.

Mom had us take the van through it too (the line was even longer the second time around). Megan and Abbey came with us this time and we played the song “Candy Girl (Sugar, Sugar)” while we went through. It was actually pretty awesome. Plus now we have two clean cars!

1/26/18

Went to the temple with Spence today and we ran into Liz! We also ran into this guy I used to work with at Culvers names Keshawn. I felt pretty popular. I also found out that Spencer didn’t know how to braid so I taught him because I am just such a good friend.

1/25/18

There’s this “got milk?” commercial that says that nine out of ten U.S. Olympians grew up drinking milk and I don’t know why but I think it’s so funny. Like that’s so random. How did they even get that information? What process did they go through to get that statistic? It just makes me laugh.

1/24/18

Today a stranger told me I was “super pretty” and it was amazing. There is something so genuine and tender about compliments from strangers.

1/23/18

I keep staying up way late watching television. Not suggested, very unhealthy habit. But that’s beside the point. The main reason I’m thinking it’s a bad idea now is that I have discovered that I’m significantly more prone to crying in the early A.M. Like, SIGNIFICANTLY.

1/21/18

Update: I decided I wanted to try out being a pescatarian (basically vegetarian but you don’t exclude fish from your diet) for at least a month. I think it’ll be really cool to work on living a healthier lifestyle and being more thoughtful about the foods I eat. Also afterwards I can tell people I went through a pescatarian phase, which is pretty cool.

1/20/18

Up until about sixth grade, I had never seen an actual picture of Bruno Mars. I had however seen a picture of John Cena and somehow convinced myself that he was Bruno Mars. So, for a good chunk of my life, every time I heard a Bruno Mars song I pictured John Cena as the one singing it.

1/19/18

I really like those videos that are about how ridiculous it would be if we treated physical illness like we do mental illnesses. They honestly make me feel so much better about the days where I don’t want to leave the house and can barely convince myself to shower.

1/18/18

I know it’s pretty shallow, but I’m kind of mad that no one has ever tried to kiss me. But that’s pretty hypocritical because I’ve never tried to kiss anyone either. I’m going on a mission soon, meaning if someone doesn’t kiss me in the next four months, I’ll end up with another eighteen to go before it’s even a possibility again. It’s stupid but I’d kind of rather be kissed before I’m old enough to legally drink alcohol in the U.S. (Yes, I know that this is a terrible way to measure life events.)

1/17/18

I have the absolute worst sleep schedule. I’m halfway done with a book now though. So there’s a bright side.

1/16/18

Oh gosh I’m so poor.

1/15/18

Today Em and I went to Harmon’s, found ridiculously priced items, and made each other guess the price. I found a $16 bag of pistachios. It wasn’t even a big bag either.

We also found this brand of nut butter called “Justin’s” and each different type had this beautifully funny paragraph on the back. It’s also horrendously overpriced but wow what a gem.

1/14/18

I couldn’t sleep for some reason. I finally fell asleep at 7:10 am. But we had church at 9:00. So that was short lived. Then I took a nap from like 1:00-4:00, thus renewing the vicious sleep cycle.

1/13/18

Why do I like middle aged men in Hollywood so much??

1/11/18

Today I am hardcore craving chicken nuggets from Chick Fil A.

I want to be a celebrity solely so that I could participate in fun interviews (and actually also to meet actual famous people cause imagine chilling with Robert Downy Jr. So cool.)

1/10/18

Right now my eyes are really puffy and they hurt the ways eyes hurt after you've cried too much too fast. This maybe isn't a story that everyone will want to hear, and honestly I'm sort of afraid of posting anything too deep or real about me on here. I don't have thousands of followers or anything, and this blog is more for me than it is for anyone else, but just the fact that what I type will be out there for anybody to read is mildly terrifying.

So I suggest if you are looking for something more lighthearted, move on to another post.

My topic: mental illness. It's strange to think that it is still a pretty taboo topic given that the statistics say its so common. I think it's something that takes some courage to talk about because if you bring it up and tell people then you have to explain it. If you break your leg people don't even have to wonder. They'll just look at it and understand how much it hurt. But mental illness is different, because even the people that have depression like you or anxiety like you will experience it differently. And it's hard to feel like people really understand how much it can tear you apart inside.

Another thing that makes it hard is that it isn't always an everyday thing. Some days will be pretty good and you can almost pretend that you weren't curled up on the floor bawling the week before or rocking back and forth focusing on breathing the right ways to try and calm yourself down because even the idea of having to go to the grocery store is too much. I know a billion other sites probably say something similar but it's important to me to write it out in my own way.

It's actually the hardest thing because a lot of the time you feel like the only person to blame is you. It's hard to distinguish the lines between who you are and your mental illness. So a lot of the times you can fall into this deep dark hole of thinking that you are utterly alone and beyond screwed up and if you could just buckle down on yourself life would be better. That it's entirely your fault that you feel like everything is collapsing in on you. For the first few months that's what I thought. I figured I just couldn't hold it together, I wasn't strong enough and all the consequences from skipping school and sleeping whenever I could were because of who I was.

This is not to say that my depression and anxiety are not a part of who I am. I would say that they are, I think anyone with a chronic illness of any sort would agree. It doesn't define who we are, but it has shaped who we have become. There are a lot of things I understand now that I didn't before. I have more empathy and compassion and I've gotten really good at finding even the thinnest of silver linings because that is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes.

My apologies that this is so long but I just feel that it is so important that people understand to their core that despite feeling alone in dealing with mental illness, they are far from it. It can suck, to put it lightly. It can make you feel like nothing sometimes, but I like to think that for as low as we get in life, there is something in store for us that is higher. (Not drugs though. Eat some chicken nuggets instead, those things are delicious.)

1/9/18

Reading books makes me feel powerful.

1/7/18

We had 9 am church today. I'm not gonna lie, I sort of hate having church so early in the morning.

1/6/17

I've been feeling kind of grungy as of late. Which means that I felt totally justified in spending a good portion of my day today watching videos about kittens and puppies.

Yesterday was great though because I finally got to see Patri after what felt like forever. We played crazy fun yet stressful games at Nicole's house. Not to brag or anything but I almost won a few times.

1/4/17

Last night Em and I stayed up until like one am watching Stranger Things and bleaching each other's hair to create a sort of ombré effect. We aren't telling anyone what we did and are going to wait and see how long it takes our families to figure it out.

Played with puppies a lot today and went to the temple so it was an all around good day.

1/2/18

Today I learned a lot about how second cousins and once removed cousins et cetera work.

I also watched Oceans Eleven for the first time with Mary and Rachael and Grace. I know it's illegal and all but I think it would be so cool to plan and perfectly execute an elaborate heist.

Last thing: I discovered that my Bishop and his wife could logically have the couple name Denny which I thought was pretty hysterical.

1/1/18

My parents really want to see The Greatest Showman solely because they went to high school with the bearded lady. I mean I guess my dad loves musicals too, but it's the main reason my mom wants to see it.

12/31/17

The last day of the year. Technically I am posting this at nearly three a.m. the next day because staying up late is sort of a staple of New Years Eve.

This year has definitely not been easy but I made it through thanks to the amazing people who have had my backs. Cheers to my college family and my real family and all my crazy friends.